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Wednesday, August 18, 2021

It's A Miscarriage, Again

I wasn't surprised to have had a miscarriage, but two?! It's really taking me through a loop. 

Yesterday I waked out of the hospital at 9am, after spending a fearful and stormy night there, so very thankful that I won't be bleeding to death anymore as my body tried to flush out my 5 week pregnancy from my body without success. I'm traumatised yet again and this time not from a birth, but from a miscarriage gone wrong. Not only do I have to deal with a loss, but also with the messy effects of my body working hard to start a long healing process. 

Today's the first day I am out of bed making breakfast, slowly putting away laundry and processing this heartache that is starting to grow. The questions swirling around in my mind are countless. One miscarriage, yes very possible, but two?! I never saw that one coming as it slapped me straight across my face. I can't cry the tears because I am too strong in the mist of trauma, but the pain and effects of it catch up with me only later like months and years later. The same happened when my nephews were murdered, when my parents divorced and when I barely survived my sons birth along with my first miscarriage. Its all strength in the beginning, maybe I am just too raw to feel anything as I feel nothing yet other then I am okay, I am alive. 

On Monday my sweet and dear friend Petronela came by to see me. It was hard to invite her into my raw moment where I was just a blank of emotions and actions, but God stirred my heart to be open even in this. She came so willingly with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and my favourite chocolate. As we talked I went to the bathroom every so often to pass huge blood clots and change my pads along with my clothing several times. During her stay my bleeding got to the point where an ER visit was inevitable. I am so thankful that she was there to be with my son. She came at just the right time to help in a huge way and I am so so thankful.

As we grabbed a few things for the hospital it started to storm outside, the lighting and thunder were rolling in. I was so uncomfortable leaving my son at home, but I knew Petronela was the best person to be with him as my son sees her as an older sister or a favourite aunt and they are close. During the process of being seen Petronela texted me that Augustin requested to pray for me, which melted my heart and spiked my fears. After a traumatic birth I am still working through the fear of death, fear of hospitals and anything surgery related. I knew something was wrong and I needed to go to ER, but I wasn't sure if I was over reacting because this was day two of intense bleeding. When we got there I was surprised to see how many people were there in front of me, but I cut through the line and was seen within 10 minutes which confirmed to me the seriousness of my condition. I'm sure the people in line were upset because I looked healthy on the outside. How could they know I was bleeding to death at this point with period underwear and a maternity pad to catch my blood loss.

Honestly, I was scared and I was surprised to learn that I would be staying the night with a surgery only 6 hours away. I packed nothing. The doctor who performed my surgery (a D&C) again confirmed that coming in was my only option for life. It wasn't life and death yet, but it would have been if I stayed home. After the examination of the severity of the miscarriage I had to say goodbye to my husband who went home and headed to my own room in a Slovak hospital. At this point the storm was at its peak slamming any open windows in the hospital shut and thunder rolling so loud that made my skin crawl. Out of all the days it had to storm the night I am admitted to a hospital with my husband and son at home. What if something went wrong? Isn't this how sad movies start where a child losses their mother? Oh the thoughts that were running through my mind where not good. 

I called my parents in America to inform them of the situation that had unfolded within the last 24 hours. Then I fulfilled my promise to my husband inviting Jesus into all of this messy business I was in. After that the doctors came in and said my surgery (which to me sounded so so much scarier then it was) was schedule for 1am. I had about 3 hours to wait and forced myself to get an hours rest knowing that my mental health depended on that rest. After my rest I prayed the life prayer my John Eldredge which brought me so much peace as my heart beat wildly in my chest. I was nervous! I was scared, but if something went wrong...

It was 1am and time for my surgery. I am not going to lie I was so scared and the nurses saw it. The last surgery I got almost took my life so this was tough, oh and that stormed still screamed around us. On the operating table I was shocked to find that they strapped me to the surgery table like a loony, feet and arms stretched. I am thankful that the anaesthesia kicked in quickly and the next thing I remember is being in my room them telling me the surgery was a success. I wanted to call my husband the let him know, but the nurse laughed and said I'm still under anaesthesia. I did call, but 30 min later after the anaesthesia wore off. 

Anyway, all was well in the end despite a sleepless night for my heart was still racing and fear still rushing through my body. The effects of anaesthesia area funny thing as you don't think clearly for a long while. The surgery did what it was supposed to do, flush my body of the pregnancy and stop the bleeding. I survived and I am so thankful it wasn't like a scene from a horrible movie which to this day I can't watch because it's so real to me. Now I am home now still resting a bit and slowly working through the emotions, heartache and the questions this whole experience stirs up in me. So that's my story of miscarriage number two. I pray in Jesus' name that there won't be a number three, but we never know do we? 

God gave us a promise of more kids, but I have to work through the emotions of maybe not wanting more after this experience. I am human and can handle only so much grief and waiting. I still don't know and will have some months of seeking God and His direction for my life. I also don't want to miss my blessing due to the fear of being hurt. That's my story, there are my thoughts and I'll end it there for now.

If I am not okay emotionally in a year or cry when I see a baby or someone announces a pregnancy please know that it's because I can finally process the feelings that trauma locks in my heart. I can't feel it until later when people assume I should be past it or I am too sensitive. The only people who know this pain are the ones who have gone through it and no one else can say anything about it.







Thursday, July 15, 2021

Bella Grace Magazine as Inspiration

Every season I get a beautiful issue of the inspiring magazine 'Bella Grace' and every season I tell myself that I will use it for my creativity, but I never do. Life seems to get in the way. In this season I find myself cooking more, cleaning more and spending most of my time on family and friends which is so good but leaves little time for creativity. 

I left my tutoring position with Cambly in the hopes that I had more time and my mornings free for my photography adventures. Honestly, that hasn't happened and I've had to fill that time taking morning walks with my husband as his work has changed and has become more demanding leaving us with little personal time together. I thought I was giving up tutoring to be more creative, but it was so that I had some time with my husband. I was still left with the question of when do I take the time to work on my photography since mornings are not meant for someone else?

I don't have the answer to this question, but it will be something I bring to the feet of Jesus. It's not an all-important question, but I do know that God loves to be involved in our lives and this is one way I walk in my creativity with Him. He's given me this talent and I want to make sure I don't run away with it, but walk with Him and be lead by the Holy Spirit to use it for God's glory and not mine. 

Now to the point of this post. I want to be blogging regularly as it is a part of the creative process. I had an idea that I will go through the Belle Grace magazine using their titles and stories to write my own. It won't be perfect and always pretty, but it a goal and a start. I need a creative goal to keep me on track and so far this has been my best idea.

The first article I will start working on and photographing is called 'A Summer State of Mind'. Summer is indeed my favorite season so I hope that this will be a good start to my blogging and photography adventures. 

Honestly, stepping away from Instagram and going into Vero, so far, has been a very good decision. I'm seeing the changes in my heart, the freedom from cultural tides, and a sense of newness in my creativity. Almost no one is on Vero and that in and of itself is freeing. I'm excited to see where with journey will take me in a few years.








Friday, July 9, 2021

Goodbye Instagram

For the last 11 years, I've been on Instagram sharing my life and photography with the world. Today I logged out of my account for the last time and deleted the app off my phone permanently. My husband asked me how I felt about this big step and my answer is excitement and hope for a new way to share my creativity. I feel like this is the right move because it was a long time coming. So many people want to step away, but not away from the community that's been built, but something has got to give.

I remember the first time when one of my posts got over 100 likes, it was still in the time of organic reach and hashtags. It was also the time of Instagram filters and there was this one that got noticed which I seemed to have used for years. Anyway, we were on a trip to California and I took a picture of a door in a house. I added the preferred filter at the time and added those hashtags and that's how Inspire by Annetta was born. I had found a niche and grew my following to over 32k before it all started to crumble in 2016 as my family and I started to travel America.

While on our travels I had to let go of my Instagram identity and the identity I found as a photographer. I had to give it all to Jesus and be okay with no more thousands of likes and see my following decline to where it is at now 23k. It took a couple of years to work out my heart, to let go of all that I've worked for, and to put God back into His first place. I am able to walk away today because I did all that work some years ago. I don't mind letting the world go and grabbing on to God. You see recently there was another bigger issue that was coming up in my heart.

Recently Instagram became like Tik Tok and my heart issue wasn't likes or being unfollowed anymore (I worked through that) it was letting the world into my heart through Reels. I was starting to get a hard heart as I watched all the content IG threw into my face Reel after Reel. Instagram plans to dive further into the video entertainment industry and my heart can't have a part of it anymore. I am choosing the run the other way from the tide of the world. 

These are my convictions and what God has been working on in me. I am not telling anyone what they should be doing as this is between God and me. It's what He is asking of me and it's for my own good. I pray that He replaces what I am asked to give up and gives me a good outlet for my photography and creativity so that I can safely share it with the world without it spoiling my heart. For the moment I will be posting here regularly and also on Vero. I've chosen that app because it's ad-free, goes in chronological order and I don't have to worry about likes, popularity, or competition. It's a place like IG used to be, to share my photos and to document the beauty of my life that God has blessed me with. 



Saturday, March 13, 2021

Snowdrops

I finished all my major deadlines for this week, well there is still one filming session I need to do, but I am free to enjoy my creative work for the rest of the week.

I have this idea for when I am finished working in March. I want to re-create a photo once a day that inspires me. It doesn't have to be anything big or fancy. It can be simple yet beautiful. I'll just need a goal to keep me focused and a reason to keep blogging also. Since things have changed in my life about 6 plus months ago I haven't been photographing as much and I want to change that.

This week's theme is snowdrops. 

We have a tiny patch of them near where we live. I don't have to hit up to a forest to reach them. Not many people know about this magical location and the beauty it holds. I first discovered them 3 years ago. It was our first spring in Bratislava. Everything was still so new to me including our new pace of life. I remember going for a walk and seeing what was around the corner of our building and there they were a beautiful surprise. 





 


Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Hello Spring

It's been a rough couple of weeks here and today's been the first day where I feel like I am normal.

In late February I had an obsession with cheese pizza dipped in caesar dressing and tabasco sauce. I just couldn't get enough of it. I also taught myself to make the best and fluffiest pizza that's better and healthier than take out. Anyway, I overdid it and it killed my stomach. Not having an appetite and nausea for two weeks is more than I can manage. Luckily, I've worked it out and changed some things around which has been helping! This dairy and egg allergy is getting serious and I'm just now learning that at the age of 37.

Now onto the prettier things in life. I actually had the strength to take some photos verse just surviving my day and that felt great. Here are a few things that I am into right now. 

1. Gardening
2. Colorful crochet blankets
3. Sunshine
4. Doodling at work
5. Tulips








Saturday, January 16, 2021

Snowy Week

It finally feels like a real winter because we have gotten our first week of snow!!

I keep hoping for more because what has come done is very little, but it's been a little over the past three days so it slowly adds up. It's also been cold enough to where it stays and don't melt during the day. While it was still sunny out I went for a quick walk to capture the beauty.

We are still in lockdown so we don't have the opportunity to go somewhere and really enjoy some good sledding. Luckily we have a small hill that Tin can enjoy with his friends.





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