This morning I decided to read the book I've been reading for the last six months. I normally love novels and no other books, but I have been teaching myself to read good christian books. This book I am reading is called 'Simply Tuesday' by Emily P. Freeman. It was gifted to me by my best friend a couple of years ago for my birthday. When we were traveling in our airstream, I tried to read it, but quickly put it down.
Back in our traveling days the book didn't fit with my life. I wondered why my friend felt like this was a good book because I had no desire to read it. Now lets fast-forward to 2017. Life looks so different then it did in 2015-2016. We now live in Slovakia, I own a handmade business and I homeschool our 7 year old son. When I cracked open the book again I had no idea it was gifted to me for just this season! The Holy Spirit has used this book, chapter by chapter, to speak into my life. It truly has been one of the best gifts and I thank Stephanie for listening to her heart and gifting it to me.
Today as I opened the book and finished the chapter I was on something struck me and I would like to share it with you.
"John needed Jesus to know he was struggling in prison. I need Jesus to know this too.
The prison of confusion.
The prison of no answers.
The prison of waiting.
As soon as I name these prison cells, I begin to wonder if they aren't prison cells at all.
Maybe the answer isn't in trying so hard to find the light but in being willing to face the fog and remember Christ stands here too.
I need to tell him so, to question him, and to be willing to receive his answers of love, of hope and with-ness that sometimes don't feel like answers at all." p.168-169
All I could say after reading this was, "Wow"! I've been dealing with this prison since July and then when I got answers they were answers of love, of hope and of with-ness, but I wasn't willing to receive that and be still in it. I was better at it yesterday and am slowly getting there. Here is the Holy Spirit speaking to me again and what He wants me to do!!
I have no answers, I am so confused and I am still waiting and waiting, but this has been an answer, just not the one I wanted. Now its time to stand on those faith feet and if I can't stand and walk then I shall crawl my way through this. God is with me and I again and again invite Jesus into this.
Now I shall end this post with pictures from our beautiful family walk in the woods yesterday. My husband wasn't feeling the best, but still took us all out to breath deep, run around and enjoy the cool approaching fall air. Turns our we all needed it.
God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be.
—Dr. Larry Crabb
Yesterday was not a good day. I cried, well I tried really hard not to cry when I recalled my day to my sweet husband. I don't like to cry. In this moment I realize it's because it makes me feel weak, helpless like a little girl and out of control. Deep down I know this isn't the truth, but my insecurities make it feel like it's the truth. Tears can be a sign of weakness, but really it's a sign of maturity. You have to be mature to let those tears fall sometimes because in that moment you are vulnerable, fragile and relieving a piece of your soul. I have a lot of growing to do in this area. My husband is a hero to me in this area.
He's a hero not because I've learned from him to let go and cry when its needed. He's a hero because he will sit there with me, without judging and encourage me to feel all the feels. He will listen to me for as long as I need him to. Isn't that very heroic of him to face rocky waters with me?! Let's face it, my emotions have been rocky waters and there is no other way to explain it. So here is a big thank you to my sweet loving and caring husband. He has not only been kind enough to encourage me, support me and listen to me, but he has loved me through sweet kisses on the cheek, random hugs when I need it and even doing the dishes because I can't touch them. All of this is done on top of him commuting to Bratislava for work (1.5 hours), coming home on a train and roller blades, doing all I stated preciously and then loving on our son by playing with him. He's been ending the evening with writing, which I couldn't be more excited about it. He has been the definition of a true man.
Today I decided to be better. If it's all in my mind then I'll make up a wonderful day where I am happy, walking with Jesus and able to do all the things that need to get done. What needs to get done is knitting, cooking and cleaning. Today I am able to let go of those nagging thoughts of what-if's and what-if-not's. I hope this self-control lasts all day. It's 11am and I've yet to eat breakfast so enough of this writing stuff and off to take care of that hungry tummy because unfortunately coffee isn't breakfast no matter how much I wish it was.
I'm avoiding social media for personal reasons, but this gives me a good chance to blog instead of using Instagram as my personal blog space. I've realized that it's so much easier to just post all my stuff on Instagram as it saves time, but then it lacks in so much.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster since June, but for whatever reason it has intensified this past week. Because of them unstable emotions I can't handle some things that pop up on social media. I haven't been able to focus on anything other then the state of my heart. Through this season I've been working on inviting Jesus into the state of my heart. There are moments when I want to drown out my pain with movies, avoiding being alone with my thoughts, browsing social media that then hurts me more in the long run and so on. When I do all these numbing activities it feels so empty and users in the feeling of loneliness, an aching pain that makes me loose site of many things. That's why it's so important for me to invite Jesus into the messes of my heart. He brings comfort with Him, He brings meaning and I KNOW He hears me, but is prompting me to be patient and to trust Him.
This all isn't easy! It's something I have to remind myself every hour. Some moments my heart gets it, I get it! Then, some moments nothing makes sense, but the roller coaster of my emotions plummets the way a real roller coaster does and than my heart is about to explode. It feels like it will explode, but when I really think about it, I know I can handle it.
So today, I let go of my numbing distractions. I invited Jesus into the brokeness of my heart and continue on with work, not in my strength, but in His. I will, through Christ, be patient with my son loving him through the chaos he is creating while at play. Really I just want to yell at him to be quiet and to leave me alone. He is SO LOUD!! Like he took two plastic water bottles, banged them together and is calling it a band. That banging makes me jump and I find myself suppressing the anger it creates within me. The thing is, he doesn't need me to throw my mess into his heart and create wounds where there shouldn't be any. Because I love him and value him I will cringe through the noise and love him.
On another note, I just told my son that I can make him beggs and acon for lunch (eggs and bacon). Sometimes the dyslexia shows up in my words and phrases when I say things backwards. I've always been this way, but it to me, I feel like its gotten more intense the last couple of months where I'll say things backwards more often.
Tín and I did get to spend a wonderful afternoon together on a mommy and son date. We got to do some of what he liked to do and some of what I liked to do. It was a good way to enjoy our last couple of weeks we had left of summer before school officially starts at the beginning of September. I can feel the fall and school year approaching and it makes me want to cry a little. As much as I love fall, winter is too close behind.
Hope you enjoy the pretty pictures as they bring healing to my own heart.