Thursday, February 20, 2020

Spring Break

We are on day three of our spring break. Today's plans are to go to a park and enjoy my favorite French pastry shop, but the weather is gray and staying indoors sounds a bit more appealing after our last two days of adventures.

Now that I am actually at home I have a sense of how terrible it is to spend the day at home and yet I don't want to go anywhere. Since the miscarriage, I've had to work on getting my body and mind healthy again. Today is a day where I find myself struggling as I'm a bit depressed and anxious. My world feels flat and dreary. That's how it feels. Feelings are a tricky thing. We can't always believe them or give in to them because at times they do lie. At this point, I am thankful that I can pray through my emotions and invite Jesus into all that's happening in my heart. He's not afraid of the ugly like I am. 

On days like these when my heart is heavy, I also find it difficult to feed myself. I have no energy or inspiration to cook, but I still manage it somehow. This post wasn't supposed to be so heavy. My day didn't start this way, it slowly crept up on me. It makes me super thankful that I don't work today or this week because I just couldn't face my students. 

Let's put the sadness aside for now and recap on our spring break. On Monday Tin and I spent to the library so that he had enough reads to last him all week without him asking to watch something or play games. After the library, we went out to lunch to our favorite crepes restaurant Pan Cakes. Tin usually gets the Nutella crapes and I enjoyed my usual bacon and cheddar.

Yesterday we went to the Bratislava zoo for the first time. We have lived here for almost 3.5 years and never went to the zoo. I've always wondered what kind of zoo it was because it looks so small and out of the way. I am happy we went. I was also pleasantly surprised to see how big it was. I think that day Tin and I walked about 4.5 miles. When I came back home I was so done! It was such a good and long day. Oh, also Babi and Oci (Augstin's grandma and grandpa) came to spend some time with us because they continued on their vacation to Hungary.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

One Day at a Time

I am not ready to go back to work, to resume normalcy when my body is still working out this pregnancy. I'm not ready to smile at my students while feeling pain in my body and heart. As I write this it all sounds so dramatic, but it's true because all I want to do is hide myself in a corner and knit my pain away. That's actually what I've been doing for the past four days.

Today I might go for a walk to the store for some buttons. Fresh air should be good for me, but my body can't keep me warm at the moment. For some reason, the moment I got pregnant was the moment my body couldn't stay warm even though I was just fine before that. No matter how warm I am dressed I shiver the whole time when I'm outdoors. It's a big reason why I am holed up indoors as of late.

I know as the days continue on my heart might still hurt, but I can't stay in the pain. I need to move on, to let go and to just really trust God in all of this. I need to balance staying in the pain, healing and moving on. I am slowly praying my way through all of this unknown territory.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Focusing on Other Things

In this time of loss, I'm going to focus on my loving God and the beauty I see around me.

I'll spend time grieving what would have been, but I'll also spend more time noticing the things I do have, the blessings I've been given and the things that bring joy to my heart. I can never blame God for what happened because He knows best why this happened. I just choose to trust Him and believe the promise He has given us of two more girls in His time. Now that my body is losing all of the pregnancy hormones I am starting to feel more like my old self. I am able to focus on other things other than pregnancy or the fear of losing it. 

It's 7:30am and the sun is slowly peeking through the rain clouds. The air is crisp and fresh after last night's rainfall. Today I have three hours of work but have a yarn order to look forward to as I plan to knit a cardigan during these weeks of mourning and grieving. It's something I can do and something I can remember this season by even if it's been a sad and painful one. 

My son also has a new pair of Hunter rain boots that are supposed to come today. This is the third pair in one year. That kid really knows how to put holes in his boots. That's the reason we are going with a good brand like Hunter. I hope he likes them.

My only goal for today is to work, knit, photography my day and rest. The acutely miscarrying process hasn't started yet so I'll be waiting for that to happen and until it does I'll just be working, knitting and resting. I don't want to see anyone other than my own family. 

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

There is no baby...

Writing my feelings away for a couple of minutes.

I've waited eight years to get pregnant with our second child. Eight years of prayers, hoping and negative pregnancy tests. Three days after my 36th birthday I got my first positive test. Now I'm not awaiting a baby that's supposed to be due in September, but for a miscarriage. It could happen tomorrow of it can happen in two weeks. 

Just like that, a joy was turned into anxiety that's now confirmed as I wait for this miscarriage to happen. My feelings are extreme, raw and mean. I feel a bit betrayed, lied to and abused. I still have to go through work and life as if nothing is happening. I was waiting to announce the pregnancy with anticipation, but now a miscarriage in dread.  

My last thoughts are that I am thankful I found out at 7 weeks and not at 10 weeks because every day makes a difference when the go-line is at 12 weeks. I know that I can say, hey at least I finally got pregnant and know that I finally can, but that this moment the pain is too much that those words are more like a sword to my heart. 

I waited for eight years to get pregnant and I get to wait some more. Yay me...

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