Saturday, February 19, 2011

A deeper healing, a better me

These past weeks have I've been paralyzed with fear. It's something I am not happy to admit, but it's been effecting everything. It's effected my relationship with God, family, friends, my career in some way even who I have become as a person.

I've noticed and seen a change inside of myself that is not pretty, nice or welcoming. It's actually down right negative!

Most of my fears steam from the tragedy of July 2006 and the fact that I never felt like I could truly mourn my loss because I had to be 'strong'. Whether the pressure to be 'strong' came from others or solely from me doesn't matter because it was there and I couldn't shake it.

Since I never mourned the lives of the ones I loved so very much somehow it transitioned itself into something ugly and that ugly has been rooted deep inside of me. I've been seeing the effects of it for years, but wants ready to deal with surgery at the time. Lately I've been experiencing horrible panic attacks that would last for some days. My fears crippled me, took the very breath from me  it seemed & safety was no where in site.

I've turned into a cream puff with no cream inside. On the outside all seemed fine, but on the inside was horror, bitterness and a war, a battle that I had chosen to loose until now.

I've promised to visit the grave site of Justin, Andrew and Olga. I've promised to say goodbye to them and bury my fears for good. It's hard not to avoid my promise because saying goodbye to them will make me truly start the mourning process I've been unable to, but I have promised and ready to heal the deepest wound I have carried.

I'm ready to overcome my fears, to walk away from bitterness, doubt and am ready to walk into joy, peace, & self confidence. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this because I usually don't share things like this with people nor was my intention to share when I started writing, but I guess I need accountability in this and I believe that I shouldn't hide anymore, that I hurt and that I am healing.


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